Whiplash
Imagine waking up to the smell of coffee, bacon, eggs, and French toast—now that’s an alarm clock no one would snooze. As the sweet-smelling aroma enters your nostrils, you have no choice but to get out of bed. After handling the essentials: making the bed, brushing your teeth, and washing your face, you join your family at the table.
Love is in the air, the laughter is contagious, and everyone’s bellies are satisfied. Now, what you didn’t know was that this gleeful day you’re experiencing will come to an end because someone you love will die today. A drunk driver ends your child’s life while you’re driving home. However, by the grace of God, you and your wife survived the collision.
Although there is no perfect way to describe this, from my personal experience, this is what a miscarriage felt like to me. Obviously, this is not downplaying what women go through who experience such a tragedy, but to touch on something that is rarely, if ever, discussed: how miscarriages affect the father.
The Show Must Go On
I can vividly remember dropping a pass that could have led to a touchdown or getting beaten deep in coverage. I could always count on my coach to say this to me: “You need to have a short memory—so you can move on to the next play.” I understood what my coach was trying to accomplish, and it worked. There is wisdom in having a short memory. However, there’s a difference between having a short memory and refusing to endure.
“And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”-Romans 5:3-5 (HCSB)
Yes, I know that God works all things out for our good (Romans 8:28); however, it didn’t seem like it. And if I’m being honest, I became numb. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t know how to process my wife having a miscarriage. The application from my coach instructing me to have a short memory came naturally. My (single) mother did her absolute best, but only a father's love can teach his son how to regulate his emotions.
Though He Slay Me
“Embrace the suck!” I remember hearing those words quite often during my time at US Air Force Basic Military Training in San Antonio in the middle of the summer. Going to Biloxi for my technical training shortly after was no better. The hot weather was beyond my control, but I could control how I responded, though.
When trials come, we cannot retreat. We must embrace each trial head-first with joy. To do the opposite is effeminate.
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” -James 1:2-4 (HCSB)
All truth is God’s truth. The instruction I was given at BMT was applicable not only to all things US Air Force but also every other area of my life. One of the most important things we are taught during training is relying on your wingman.
Wars are not fought in silos; it’s a team effort. As Christians, we have Someone greater than a wingman; we have God the Holy Spirit indwelling in us. With His help, we will overcome any obstacle that seeks to trouble us.
The boldness that young David displayed against Goliath is the same boldness we can possess when we are faced with something as severe as the loss of a child, but we must trust in the Lord. When we realize this, we can finally say with Job: “Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.” Job 13:15a (KJV)
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you.”
-1 Peter 5:6-7 (HCSB)
A New Day
There is no undo button in life. If there was one, we would never grow. Pain is one of our greatest teachers. It would behoove us to be attentive in its class and keep our notes nearby. Pain is inevitable; you cannot escape it. I will say this again: trust in the Lord.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6 (HCSB)
Trusting in the Lord is difficult when we forget about His sovereignty. Blessings and afflictions come from God; be thankful for them. Although you cannot see it now, there is a benefit to what you’re going through.
The loss of a child is devastating, but remember, God has given you His Spirit.
“He answered, “While the baby was alive, I fasted and wept because I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let him live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I’ll go to him, but he will never return to me.”
-2 Samuel 12:22-23 (HSCB)
“Elect infants, dying in infancy, are regenerated and saved by Christ through the Spirit, who worketh when, and where, and how he pleaseth. So also are all other elect persons who are incapable of being outwardly called by the ministry of the Word.” -Westminster Confession of Faith (WCF) X: III
Pray for your wife. Be patient with your wife. Love your wife.